“You are amazing. You are enough. You already are everything! I love you. Thank you for the opportunity of being so close to you!! I’m holding only the most positive memories.”

This was the note I scrambled to write on a post it note, on the day of my divorce finalization. I had planned out everything. I was looking forward to seeing my ex for the last time and closing out the chapter to our marriage. It has been a difficult marriage of many lessons, followed by a year of separation and no contact. I wanted the ending to be kind, thoughtful and filled with respect to us both and the feelings that had consumed us in various ways. But what I did not realize… was that I would forget that note. It laid on my desk as I ran out the door to journey to court that morning.

By the time I got to court. I sat in the car upset at myself, I forgot the note. I started writing a new one. It was so important to me that she at least knew that I cared, that I remembered love and that I appreciated what we had in the time we had. I folded the note into my pocket as I began running into the court house to finish off some of the paperwork. I had to make several copies of the paperwork. While standing at the copy machine, she walked in. As she walked towards me, my heart pounded through my chest. I knew this would be the very last time I would see her. I knew that her and I would never again intentionally share air in a space. Instead of me feeling deep pain or regret, I felt privileged. Privileged that I had shared so many moments with this person, this soul.. even though it had to end, I was still at such peace. I could see how happy she would be in just a few years, living in another state, dating a really nice person. I could see her healing, growing and achieving some of the biggest goals of her life. My heart expanded in a way that day to her that I could never have imagined, it was not petty, it was not seeking control, and it absolutely was not seeking her approval… instead it was only in observation with absolute compassion and love to her.

As I gathered the papers and we began looking through them I looked at her. I asked her if I could say something, to which she agreed. I said “Thank you so much for letting me have the privilege of being so close to you! I will always love the beauty of that connection we shared. I loved you at the capacity I was capable of at the time we were together. Thank you so much for giving me this divorce and closure.” I abruptly stood up and walked away as she remained seated to regain her composure. As I walked away I felt deep serenity for speaking with love and authentically speaking my truth. But most of all I felt a deep shift within me, in a moment when this chapter was closing instead of me feeling hatred or pain, I felt compassion, I felt love and not just love for her but love for myself and all that I had offered her in our relationship. I truly felt I gave her all that I could but the best gift was to give her the unconditional love at the end of it all.

I walked away from that courthouse that day not looking back, not thinking twice or second guessing my choice. I made peace with that ending and in that way found my closure. you see, most people seek closure externally only to be hit with the reality that closure does not come through external words, thoughts or actions but in fact, closure comes from within you.

Months later, I was finally clearing my desk and found this note that I had planned to give my ex on the day of our divorce. “You are amazing. You are enough. You already are everything! I love you. Thank you for the opportunity of being so close to you!! I’m holding only the most positive memories.” I sat down and began to read it. It made me cry because I realized how much I had wanted to hear those words all these years from someone but reading it to myself filled me up with all the love and compassion I needed. All these years I had said these nice things to people close to me because I meant them, but I never once looked at myself and said them to myself.

As I read those words aloud to myself, I felt them. I heard them. I saw them. But more importantly, I believed them. While crying I was filled with deep gratitude for this awareness and this privilege of being here on this planet getting to know so many people all these years, even if those people were only in my life for a short time. I am so grateful for this awareness.